This commenter asked a very, very serious question. So, I decided to pose the question here in a new post. I am seeking your thoughts and advice on this question:
Anonymous said...
How would you go about teaching YW about temple marriage and still prepare them for the possibility that even if they do marry in the temple their spouse may choose to either go inactive or leave the church entirely. Marriage in the temple doesn't guarantee that the spouse will do their part, even on earth. But if that happens, they shouldn't feel like they have to up and leave the marriage. I think this is something that several of the YW will have to face.
For example, the upcoming temple marriage lesson has the concept of the "sacred triangle". What if one of those sides disappears. How do you teach them to keep that kind of marriage intact and strong while still remaining faithful to their covenants?
I think this is a great question. I would start by pointing the YW to the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7. He had some great things to say about marriages that became interfaith after the creation of the marriage. (His remarks were directed at the newly converted Christians who were still married to their Jewish spouses, but it can work for a temple marriage where one spouse stops believing.)
ReplyDeleteVerses 13-16:
"And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?"
So, basically, Paul is saying to stay in the marriage unless the unbeliever breaks the marriage by some means other than simply being an unbeliever.
I think if we teach the YW to choose their marriage partner based on personality and values (not just moral or spiritual values, but things like having the same goals and finding the same things important) instead of simply going down the "RM, temple worthy, etc." checklist, then there will be a foundation for a good marriage even if it later becomes interfaith.
I have a thought about the triangle concept... it goes along with what we're sometimes told about "marriage is the only commandment that you can't keep by yourself."
ReplyDeleteBasically my thought is this: we can only control ourselves. In that marriage triangle example, we can only have any control over two legs of the triangle--the one to our spouse, and the one to our God. We should do our best to maintain both as best as we can. What happens on that other leg--between our spouse and his God--is their deal. It's not our responsibility, nor should it be our worry.
Prophets have told us that our salvation (including which kingdom we go to, and what glory we receive) is between us and God. If our spouse damages his own salvation, that still does not affect OUR salvation, nor our childrens.
If the testimony side of things is the only 'problem' with your spouse, that's no reason to get divorced. It's good to be in a family, and if there is love and support of one another, then you have a good thing, whether or not your spouse is an (active) member!
Incidentally, if there are people who are in a mixed-faith marriage, check out www.faceseast.org , it's a forum for people in that situation. There are a lot of couples where one is LDS and the other is not (or is inactive, or whatever). It can still be a good and happy marriage.
It's kinda difficult to really understand (and remember), but we don't really make covenants with our spouse - we make covenants with Heavenly Father. Keeping that in mind should, ideally, help us all deal with trials and unhappiness in marriage.
ReplyDeleteWhen I lost my faith and decided to leave, my wonderful husband kept reminding me (and still reminds me) that he married me, not a member of the church. I'm still me and he still loves me, member or not.
ReplyDeleteThat doesn't make it easy, but it helps. Another thing that is essential is to respect each others' beliefs and paths, especially when they diverge. Even though I don't believe the church is true anymore, I completely support his activity in it and take seriously his spiritual experiences and he does the same for me (flipped, of course). Without that this would be impossible.
If there were some way to teach those things as being the most primarily important aspects of marriage, that would go a long way.
I think that we can teach what it means to be a good spouse in any marriage. You don't leave a spouse because they aren't perfect.
ReplyDeleteI love the questions that we will be asked according to David O McKay:
"Let my assure you, Brethren, that some day you will have a personal Priesthood interview with the Savior, Himself. If you are interested, I will tell you the order in which He will ask you to account for your earthly responsibilities.
First, He will request an accountability report about your relationship with your wife. Have you actively been engaged in making her happy and ensuring that her needs have been met as an individual?
Second, He will want an accountability report about each of your children individually. He will not attempt to have this for simply a family stewardship but will request information about your relationship to each and every child.
Third, He will want to know what you personally have done with the talents you were given in the pre-existence.
Fourth, He will want a summary of your activity in your church assignments. He will not be necessarily interested in what assignments you have had, for in his eyes the home teacher and a mission president are probably equals, but He will request a summary of how you have been of service to your fellowmen in your Church assignments.
Fifth, He will have no interest in how you earned your living, but if you were honest in all your dealings.
Sixth, He will ask for an accountability on what you have done to contribute in a positive manner to your community, state, country, and the world."
Nowhere have the church leaders EVER suggested that you dump a husband because he doesn't go to church. Understanding that your marriage is a commitment to love (action) someone even when they are imperfect is important. Of course, we also need to teach that it isn't love to let someone abuse you.
I think you can introduce quality like loyalty to your spouse. You don't criticize them to others or put appearances above the happiness of your spouse. Forgiveness, you realize they aren't perfect and forgive them. Growing together, that life is a journey and some people take more detours (kids too). Complementing each other - that you look for the good quality that they bring as a father.
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." Benjamin Franklin I think. Has been quoted by church leaders. Discuss this. Talk about the concept of grass is greener.
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ReplyDeleteI love the previous comments. This lesson in the manual is tricky as it seems to advocate temple marriage by putting down legal marriage. The danger of this approach is that it can be offensive to some young women whose parents aren't members of the church or aren't married in the temple. My hope is that we will encourage the girls to maintain their sights toward temple marriage, explain the blessings that are promised therein without painting civil marriage as bad, and stress that her choice in spouse and when to marry should be a decision that she makes with the Lord's guidance. In reality, marriage (temple or civil) to a loving supportive spouse is a holy and sanctifying experience and some of these girls will find well-suited spouses who aren't ready for immediate temple commitment. I would like to see the focus be on specific blessings promised to temple marriages, encouraging the girls to maintain a personal and couple-based relationship with God, and prayerfully choose spouses who are loving and supportive without resorting to the one-size-fits-all checklist in which temple marriage is the only measurement of success and regular marriage can only lead to eternal misery and pain.
ReplyDeleteI would also bear in mind that some of your YW may not marry AT ALL. I know quite a few women who are in their 30s and 40s and unmarried, and it has really shaken their testimonies and sense of self-worth. I'm 41 and single myself and have dealt with some of those feelings at times. I don't recall any YW lessons that acknowledged that possibility. And yet the ranks of the never-married keep growing.
ReplyDeleteAs an adult convert, I would say focus on themselves as far as their own goals of making and keeping covenants... and the example that sets for those around them.
ReplyDeleteThere's always this counsel on why a devout Mormon girl might do well to skip the wedding in the temple:
ReplyDeletehttp://puremormonism.blogspot.com/2011/02/go-ahead-and-skip-that-temple-wedding.html
When our ward was teaching this lesson, I kept looking at these MiaMaids, receiving a true but simplified view on temple marriage, and wondering at what heartache some of them will go through or see close family members go through. There will come a time when each of them will wish they understood the scriptures better. I wonder what pain they will go through, and I wonder if they will know where to turn to receive peace and understanding.
ReplyDeleteWhat if a man does evil things to her or her family?
What if a YW never marries in the temple in the first place? What of all the blessings promised to the faithful? What if all her children are faithful as well? Is it true they can't even see each other after death? Where do we get that idea?
What of temple marriages that appear great on the outside but inwardly are full of selfishness and hate? If we point to those couples for an example of a good marriage, what will the YW pick up on that isn't right?
What about a women who joins the church after she is married? How can she help herself not to feel like A) she made a wrong choice to marry outside the temple, even though she didn't know about it, and/or B) God cheated her out of the chance to have those covenants? The view we take on marriage sometimes can lead to both of these things.
I think a lot of these questions will have their deepest answers (with the most hope) in the scriptures. I haven't found them all yet, but I'm keeping my eyes wide open! I have had enough friends ask serious questions that I want to know more about the doctrine behind what we teach as temple marriage, and how that may or may not look like the simple version we usually teach to each other at church.