BN Advice - Am I Doing it Right?

Q:

I am feeling a little frustrated, a little sad, a little guilty, a little confused. I've been YW president in my ward for two years now, and was recently told that I probably wouldn't be in my calling much longer. Of course I will be sad to be released. I really have nothing but LOVE for all of my 30 girls, and I will so so so miss being involved in their lives, seeing their successes and watching them stand strong, aching for them to love each other as true sisters in the gospel, and all the rest that goes along with it.

That being said, I was sitting here wondering if I'm just an epic failure as a leader. In the past months, some of the YW (and even one of the leaders) have complained that the activities we do are "a waste of time". Somehow, this is completely my fault. Now, granted, I'm sure that not every activity has been spectacular, but I have tried to encourage my counselors and class presidencies to balance their activities. [I'm editing this for length, but here our questioner lists some activities they've done and the list is impressive. - RD] I'm not sure where I'm going wrong. I'd love to do more elaborate activities BUT I have realized our parents don't want their kids out crazy hours and since none of these things are close by, they are definitely not things girls can come to during the school year. Then in the summer there's youth conference, camps, vacations, etc... AND we don't have the parental support of driving the YW to these cool activities and we don't have the funds to pay for 30 girls to do some of these things.

So - am I doing something wrong? I know all about great activity ideas and I am a pretty savvy googler. :) I'm not sure I need specific activity ideas, just ideas on what I must be doing wrong for it to be a waste of time. I've tried to get parents/ward members to volunteer to teach skills and we have very little interest in that. I guess part of the problem is getting the girls to really OWN their activities - from the ideas to the execution. Our girls seem to be "too busy" (according to them and their parents) to participate fully in the activity execution, so often it falls to me and my counselors. Then anything any of the girls don't like, they can just complain about to me. I literally stress about the mutual activities every day, and spend hours and hours trying to make it something that will not just be "fun" but meaningful as well. My sweet husband is very supportive, but he gets upset when I come home crying because I spent my week putting the activity together and even one of my advisors is standing there telling me it's a waste of time.

Ideas? Are these youth just part of the "me" generation - they get whatever they want pretty much on-demand and have been entertained their whole lives so anything that's not entertaining them is not worth it? Any other leaders struggle with this? Suggestions on how to help them catch the vision of the program and really take on the responsibility for the activities?

When I am released in the next little bit, my ultimate goal is for my sweet YW to remember two things about me: 1 - that I have a strong testimony of my Savior and of the gospel and 2 - that I LOVE every single one of them individually, that I recognize their individual talents and trials and care deeply about them. If I have accomplished those two things, I will feel good. But I also don't want to leave this calling and just have the girls remembering that they think all the activities were a waste of time.

A:

This email broke my heart, so I had to email our questioner to cheer her on while this question waited in line. I think her predicament is more common than it should be. I'm even seeing shades of this in my ward, and the women I serve with right now are just dynamite.

I think there's a lot going on here. I have to admit, I'm also kind of of the opinion that the girls are too busy to take on the program themselves. At least the Laurels. My last group was so committed to different activities that our presidency planned everything but the class activities. We would have class presidency meetings that were basically them telling us things that interested them, and then we adults would plan things based on what they suggested. When I was growing up we did everything by ourselves, but depending on the makeup of your group, that's just a whole lot to ask.

Then there's that whole "me generation" thing. I don't think you're entirely wrong there. One of my sons therapists was telling me about how much trouble they're having with incoming kindergartners who don't know how to do anything but be entertained. According to her, it's kind of an epidemic. Which gives us all the more reason to push against it.

Then you have the lack of support, both from parents and from fellow advisors. My goodness that's a lot of pushback. Reading between the lines and jumping to conclusions, I'm wondering if you're being too nice. If I had an advisor tell me everything was a waste of time, I would tell her to either get the heck out or do it herself.

So in dealing with all of this nonsense at the same time, the first thing I want to do is just give you a great big hug. It's just horrible to work so hard and be scorned for it. You really are bound. You don't have the money, support, or the purpose to just do the big entertaining activities every time, and anyone who expects that of you is either unbelievably selfish or doesn't understand the program.

Now for my advice: Stop taking it so personally. I know this is so so far much easier said than done when you put your heart in it, but try and think of your work here as an act of devotion to God. Try to think of this as an expression of your love for Him, and then I think it won't hurt so much when the girls don't appreciate you because He will.

I think you could also look at some flexibility in the program. I'm a big believer in the thought that the church programs exist to strengthen the family and not the other way around. So if the girls are heavily committed during the week, then come up with something else. With my notoriously busy Laurels we had weekday luncheons and frequent communications through facebook and texting. I've known some girls who came from strong families who really felt no need for the program. And I sympathized. Because between school and nationally ranked sports and college prep, who can fit in weekly activities? The parents took charge and basically fit in that instruction in the spaces between other things.

Finally, I think the big answer is there in your last paragraph. When I think back to my YW years, the only activities I can pinpoint were the notable disasters. I can't remember what we did from week to week, or how often I attended, but I can tell you that there were women who cared about me. I remember feeling loved and touched that these women would be invested in my life. That's what I carry with me now, and if that's all your girls will get out of their time with you, they'll still be very lucky girls.