Q:
Tonight I was at our activity where the girls were doing yoga. After the activity, one of the girls noticed that her ipod was missing. Circumstantial evidence strongly suggested it was one of two girls (they were the only ones not in the room looking for the lost ipod, one of the girls had placed her coat right next to the ipod before it went missing, they had left the room immediately after the activity, after I went after them and told them that nobody was leaving until the ipod was found they just happened to come across the missing ipod in one of the restrooms - a restroom that the ipod owner had never entered). Long story short, I'm quite certain that it was taken by one of the two girls and that it was only returned because they were busted.A complicating factor is that the two girls suspected of stealing the ipod are already the fringe members of the group. Economically, racially, socially, etc, these two girls do not fit in with the other girls. Neither of them come to church on Sunday with any regularity (though they come very regularly to Wednesday night activities), and they're both currently called to the class presidency.
At the activity tonight, the other leaders and I just sort of dropped the issue. The ipod owner was a little hysterical at this point and everyone was just happy that it was found. But now we're wondering what should be done about it?
We assume that it was quite obvious to everyone - including the other YW, that one of the two girls had taken it. Should the two girls suspected of stealing be confronted? Should I say something to the whole YW group? What should I say? Should I tell the girls parents? Should I tell a bishopric member? Should I say something to the entire YW group?
A:
My first reaction would be to turf this on to the bishop. I think it could be helpful for someone to be the bad guy, but if these girls are already isolated, I think this coming from a YW leader may be too much for them to get past. I've seen this happen loads of times in the past, and it often works out that when the girls know they did wrong and are embarrassed about it, they'll blame whoever corrected them with having a problem or just being mean and use it as an excuse to stay away. If the bishop plays bad cop, they get their lesson and some consequences, and then the YW leader can play good cop and show them an increase of love. I've seen it work where incidents like this can bond troubled girls to the leader and create a way in.But I would also point out that while the circumstantial evidence is compelling, it is still circumstantial. There is a chance, while it doesn't look very likely, that someone else took the ipod and stashed it in the bathroom when they were afraid of getting busted and these girls found it there. I know, yeah right, but what if? Is the interest of justice worth taking a chance on crushing a tender spirit? What if they were telling the truth and their YW leader didn't believe them? Especially when they're already isolated. I think it could be the excuse to never come back. I don't know that it's worth it, particularly when the ipod was recovered.
I also think that too much public or group discussion of the event could be publicly embarrassing for these girls and create further division. Especially since everyone seems to know what happened and who were the likely perpetrators. Maybe the bishop could come in to share some thoughts on unity or honesty, or maybe you could wait a few weeks and then have a lesson on integrity.
Reese,
ReplyDeleteI would very strongly echo the idea that there is no direct evidence of who did this. Circumstantial evidence can be enough to convict in a courtroom setting, so evidence need not always be direct. That said, there are many, many situations where it is "obvious" to everyone what happened and that initial conclusion turns out to be incorrect. The criminal case against the Duke lacrosse players is a good example of that.
There is a very good reason that we have a system that allows people who are accused to confront their accusers, to cross examine them, to test the evidence. That system then requires proof beyond a reasonable doubt. Another way we sometimes articulate "reasonable doubt" is to say that every reasonable hypothesis of innocence must be excluded. This is the long way of saying that what everyone "knows" could be very much called into doubt that the end of such a process.
This leads to the question of whether, under the circumstances, you or the bishop or anyone really wants to build that case against these particular young ladies or whether it might not be better to turn the other cheek. I think if anything were to be said, it would be that the adults don't know who took the ipod and unless someone comes forward to confess know one will ever know. The girls should in the future take more care not to leave their valuable belonging unattended (there are locks on the lockers in the temple after all!). And then I would stress again that no one knows who did this and that we don't always know why people do things that are wrong, but the Saviour has taught us that we should give every benefit of the doubt, that we should forgive and that we all do things that are wrong.
Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. Worth much more than an Ipod. I would strongly urge those concerned to get into mercy/teaching moment mode and not justice/circle the wagons mode.
I would definitly talk to the girl whose ipod was stolen, in private, about what action you are taking/not taking and why. If it was me as a YW, and my ipod had been stolen, I might have taken matters into my own hands and confronted the suspects myself. Bad feelings between the Young women can be enough to keep girls away from church, regardless of anything leaders do. Whatever you do, try to get the theft victim on board.
ReplyDeleteI love the suggestion of talking to the girl whose ipod was taken. It is important to make sure she can express herself and know that you are on her side and help her avoid "revenge."
ReplyDeleteIt might have been a joke gone bad. It might have been a set-up. Someone might have stolen it and then changed their minds. Can you ever know what happened?
Talk to her about you did the best you could to get it back because she didn't deserve to have it stolen.
Since her property was returned, encourage her to focus on that. Talk about temptation and how this situation might have actually helped someone learn a lesson and avoid a poor practical joke or a real stealing situation. Help her to see it from a Christlike point of view.
Don't be preachy or pushy about it.
I wouldn't involve the bishop. There just isn't enough evidence.
If you talk to the girls, I would focus on how unfortunately it looked like they were the obvious suspects. How you really don't know what happened and can't guess, that you are worried that some girls might accuse them. If they have any information, or know what happened it would help to talk to you about it so you can figure out how to help them handle it. This is a big burden on a kid to be thought to have done something whether guilty or not. Offer to help.
And perhaps make it clear to the rest of your group that their iPods and phones really have no place at YW anyway. Maybe this event will scare them technology-less.
ReplyDeleteI'm so loving this new feature already!
ReplyDeleteI never would have thought to talk to the theft victim about her actions going forward, but I think that is just fantastic advice!